By Dan Getz, International Blogger
How could a dad who JUST learned to be a father and who failed at a 20 year marriage possibly give sound advice on love, let alone relationships? Quite possibly, it was in those failures, he succeeded in finally listening to the truth, and began mending his ways. Thomas Eddison, in discussing his invention of the lightbulb said it this way, "I haven't failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
Over the last 5 years I have discovered 3 things that I believe are crucial in beginning AND maintaining ANY relationship, and paricularly potentially romantic ones. I am sure there are more, but these 3 are, in my mind, the most important.
1. Begin ANY relationship as a FRIEND and treat him/her as you should a brother or sister.
I stress the SHOULD in a brother/sister relationship because many of us treat our own brothers and sisters worse than we treat anyone else. But in a healthy and natural brother/sister relationship we protect, honor, respect and serve eachother, with the outcome often resulting in being eachother's best friend. Personally, I failed too at being a good brother to my sister and step sister so have had to learn this later in life as well. But I have seen a healthy sibling relationship work...and work well. Communication, Trust Worthiness and Mutual Respect are fundamental keys to becoming Best Friends in both a natural and "like" brother and sister relationship. If you are not communicating effectively, creating a BASIS of trust or disrespecting eachother there is little chance of having a healthy brother/sister relationship and much less of a chance in becoming BEST FRIENDS.
If you will focus on ALWAYS treating eachother like a brother, sister and best friend, should the relationship turn romantic, many of the pitfalls of "romantic turned south" relationships can be avoided altogeter or at least be significantly diminished. Don't be so focused on "taking it to the next level" as you are in building a lasting, healthy and strong FRIENDSHIP. Should the friendship progress to a mutually agreed upon romantic level, break ups, fights and divorces, I am convinced, will occur much less frequentally, if at all. How we talk to, treat and inneract with eachother play a huge role in building mutual respect, trust and strong, healthy and lasting friendships.
2. Do not be overly concerned with whether or not he or she is "the one".
I personally believe there are currently two or three women in my life that quite possibly could be "the one" and God would be happy with whichever one I ultimately choose. To clarify, I am not yet dating any one of them, but these are all women I highly respect, treat as my closest sisters and who have a mutual respect of me, what I value and what and who I believe in. Sometimes we get so caught up in chasing the "pretty butterfly" we completely lose focus on everything else, including our well grounded relationships, what and who we REALLY value and even the fundamental things we need to survive...rest and aleep, eating and even some personal hygene, particularly when the "butterfly" suddenly chooses a different path or "lover".
Pastor Earl of Shoreline-Dallas Church says it this way, "Our purpose is not simply a box we check off. It is a path." Like it or not, finding an adequate, but not perfect, helpmate can be an extremely integral part of, but not the definition of, our purpose. It is our core values, beliefs and who we are that defines us. When remaining single is not desired and finding a helpmate through a romantic relationship is what we want, we must relize it is US that defines US and not somebody else. Yes, that person utimately plays a huge role in supporting and helping us realize and accomplish our life purpose, but is not even part of the definition of such. When we are content and confident in who we are and what we are destined to be, "the one" will naturally be alligned with our core values, beliefs, and desires. "Butterflies" that have no connection of, realization of, or care to know who we are, are nothing more than a distraction that should be avoided at all costs. But all too often we see the outward or percieved beauty of the "butterfly" thinking we can somehow save them or "make them see the light" but fail to realize that they are flighty, ungrounded, have no real interest in you or changing thier ways for you or anyone else, and are a huge distraction that causes you to lose focus on who you are, and what your true purpose is. When our identity and purpose is completely wrapped around and based on what he or she says or thinks about us, and then that individual dumps us or we realize too late that we have been duped, we often become hopeless, disallusicall and purposeless.
Your purpose or "calling" should not be connected to a specific person, job title, role or something temporal or subject to change. Those things are put on your "path" to support, allign with and uplift, but do not define you or your purpose.
3. When relationships are ending or failing, do not not put the "guilty" party on blast.
I can't accurately tell you how many times I have thought a girl was pretty hot and awesome...until they aired thier many grievances about a specific person on facebook or twitter, but it is ALOT! I find myself not only wondering what in the world I ever saw in her, but thinking, "Wow! If she can't handle something as trifle as a lover's spat, how will she ever hold up when the real storms of life come smashing and crashing into her small, and shallow world? Girls...and guys, when you do stuff like this, not only are you alienating the target of your pure hatred, you are alienating yourself and any person that ever dreamed of being close to you. If somebody you thought was special ends up being something or someone you never thought was humanly possible, simply be the bigger person and let them go. If you choose to try and tell them why you no longer are interested in pursuing a relationship with them, go to them privately and calmly explain, in as few words as possible, why you have ultimately decided to part ways. If you need to wait a few hours or even a few days for your emotions to come into check, that is perfectly ok, and even advisable.
While we are on the subject of social media posts, and particularly "blasts", negativity, particularly consistent and persistent negativity is widely percieved as annoying, irritating, negative (imagine that) and undesirable. As Thumper the Rabbit said in "Bambi", "If you ain't got nutt'in good to say, don't say nutt'in at all!" I cannot stress this point enough! Ladies, particularly, if you only knew how undesirable and unballenced you sound when you go on these rants, I think you would at least think twice before spewing your hateful negativity. In the context of human relationships, it is a false perception that it is a good and heathy thing for opposites to attract. The opposite of this misconception is actually true. My good friend Erika Laxis calls it the Law of Attraction. When you emulate positivity, you attract positivity. Like emulates Like, for Better or For Worse...Till Death Do Us Part.
|Dance4ONE by Dan Getz|